I can hear you, but I am not listening

Communication is about sending a clear message that will – hopefully – be received in the same format as it was sent. We can all learn to be better communicators by understanding how to convey precise messages. But sending out the message is only half the success of communicating. The other half, sadly, is sometimes out of the control of the speaker, it is the providence of the listener.

How often have you experienced a situation where you carefully craft your message, paying much attention to fact, truth and detail, only to realise that your listener is not “listening”.

So what is your listener doing whilst they are supposed to be listening to you?

Firstly, let’s visit the dictionary to find out what the distinction is between hearing and listening. Hear: to receive or become conscious of a sound using your ears. Listen: to give attention to someone or something in order to hear him/her/it.

Hence to listen is to attend. And that is exactly what is NOT happening whilst you are talking. Your listener can hear your voice and the sounds you make, but is not paying attention to the message you are conveying.

Another reason people don’t listen is that they are too preoccupied with preparing their own comments on the subject being discussed. In other words, instead of giving attention to what you are communicating, they are busy composing what they want to say.

Nevertheless, not all poor listeners are at fault. Sometimes it is a matter of the speaker packing too much information into the communication, making the speaking time frame way too long for the listener to maintain concentration and absorb the message. We can speak at a rate of ca. 150 words per minute, but we can process perhaps 800 words per minute when we listen. Therefore, if the speaker does not grab our attention and hold on to it, we as listeners lose our concentration and meander into the recesses of our own minds.

We have all experienced the type of listener who is totally shut off from interacting with us. The moment you open your mouth to say something, they almost immediately interrupt and start their own triad. Those are what I would call “horrible listeners”; there are many reasons why they exhibit this kind of behaviour. Believe it or not, culture can be a contributing factor, but more often than not, the listener who interrupts is somewhere on the mild end of the scale in being too eager to put their opinion forward, to the other extreme of the scale where the listener is a narcissist i.e. only interested in their own lovely self.

Good communicators learn to convey their messages clearly and concisely, whilst great communicators also learn the art of being good listeners. Yes, communicating well is an art that can be learned and perfected.